“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson
I have been chewing these words over and over again in my mind. As I have, I have come to realize their truth in my own life and it’s been quite stunning to me. I recently took myself off of Facebook for a number of reasons but one of those reasons was because as I have processed my life through writing and shared it with my “friends”, I have been encouraged to consider that my “voice” is powerful. I’m fine with people saying things like, “great perspective”, “this was a fun read” etc. but when anyone says that my voice comes through my writing as “powerful”, that actually frightens me. I wonder, do I really want to be powerful?
The flip side of the positive feedback I have received is the angry, in my face bawling out for being such a far left liberal…which I am not, or the for having entered life on a “slippery slope” as if my words are going to slip me into some abyss of evil. The most painful bombs come when others deem MY OWN PERSONAL words from my own reflections that I hope come from employing some critical thinking, are actually coming from the demonic realm because I am “angry” or “bitter”. I sit and look at the screen and feel the weight of these comments so deeply that it’s almost suffocating. I’m sincerely not strong enough to take those hits.
This blog is being followed by a few “safe people” but it is public. It’s not a new thing to blog, it is new to keep it off Facebook. The deal is that I want to speak out. I’m passionate about things and especially about our political climate. I’m passionate about self discovery, self esteem (real self love…not narcissistic self love) healthy body image, healthy eating, health at every size and finding ways to recover from eating disorders. I’m an advocate. I’m a people lover. So, if I’m powerful in my voice, why IS IT so painful when others launch their verbal grenades at me? I’m truly afraid of being powerful beyond measure. Believing myself to be inadequate, is simply easier.
In the last couple of weeks I have realized that many of us, especially people of faith, have a hard time accepting our own power. As a result, I think a great deal of pain is caused by it. We go to others and say, “God has revealed this_____ about you (to me)” It’s as if we don’t have the courage to tell each other these things in and of ourselves so we have to borrow God’s authority to muster up the courage to speak. I know I have done this.
So…I’m pondering my own power today and whether or not I want to use it in a more public way. I’m not sure I have the ego-strength to do it. I’m pretty sure that thinking of myself as inadequate is an easier “fear” to embrace than thinking of myself as “powerful beyond measure”. I’ll be thinking about this for awhile. Feel free to join me.