Utah

     Dean started working in Minnesota in February of 2010, I joined him in May for the summer and returned to student teach and finish getting my endorsement in Mild/Moderate Special Education that fall. I left Utah in the rear view mirror and though I expected to miss it, I didn’t expect that it would be anywhere near as much as it has been. As time has gone on, I have sensed the fatigue of friends and family as I vocalize my discontent of my situation. Though I sympathize with that weariness, I find that one of the gems I learned while living in Logan was that I am a passionate person who feels things deeply and for me to be okay, I need to give myself permission to feel whatever it is that I’m feeling. Not feeling is simply not an option for me. In fact, not feeling and not being honest in my expression of those feelings when appropriate, is to move backward and into a life of pretense where just about everyone in my life is happy with my life’s situation, BUT ME.  Katy Perry gets me very well…

“I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely…

     Though I know I wasn’t exactly known for being quiet, I was terrified to be honest and go for what I really wanted. I know that not being in love with my life in Minnesota to the same degree that I loved living Utah, especially after 3 long years, makes some in my life very uncomfortable. I feel the pressure to get past it, to buck up and endure, to see that because I have a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood etc., and that I have a husband who loves me, anything but utter awe and gratitude is unacceptable. In a nutshell I feel as if I am quite possibly seen as just one ungrateful bitch. But you see, for me, the reality is that I’ve done that before. I have silenced my own voice because what it had to say did not please the powerful in my life and real honestly, not pleasing the powerful was terrifying. So, from 1983-2005, I pleased others; Christians whom I saw more spiritual than me, my parents, my husband’s parents and others. I was last in a very long line.  I accepted my life in a place where I never really did want to live but felt very obligated to live. There were many things about MY LIFE that I did like, many PEOPLE in my life that I loved but it was never really a good fit. That’s just the honest truth – it is my truth. 

Fast forward to the present, as I consider what I have been through since I’ve lived in Minnesota…

  • My first SPED job was overwhelming, confusing and exhausting. I never did really master it and that is a horribly difficult reality to accept that I had to leave it before I did. 
  • I had my appendix out followed by a relatively minor surgery that resulted in complications that nearly ended my life and resulted in 2 more (emergency) surgeries followed by the removal of my gall bladder, followed by chronic pain which remains with me to some degree at at all times. 
  • Life in a culture that is very different from all I have known. 
  • Isolation from not being able to work and Minnesota’s brutal winters. 

It’s just not at all easy to say, “I love it there”. So, here’s the deal. I am sorry if my whining makes you feel uncomfortable but I don’t apologize for honestly telling you the truth when you ask how I like it in Minnesota. I’d move back to Utah in a heartbeat but I am giving it my best shot every single day. 

Jesus said that it would be THE TRUTH that would set us free and I tend to agree. Living in light of my truth, even the difficult truths, is much more peaceful than it ever was living with pretense and I simply will not return to that. 

2 thoughts on “Utah

  1. I like that honesty. No I love that much honesty. It akes a lot of hard work, painful soul processing to come out to that expanse and depth of looking at things honestly. I squirm at my own lack thereof.

  2. I can relate–our move to Sioux Falls has been SO much harder than I expected–and brutal winter has had me feeling awfully isolated. Hang in there–spring is almost here–hopefully that will help…. I enjoy your comments!

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